Just a walk in the park . . .

I have just been thinking lately about how my life is "just a walk in the park". I know that sounds strange coming from me, but it truly is. I have always felt that my life was not going in the right direction, or the direction that I thought that it should be going. I have realized that my life is exactly where it should be, and even a walk in the park. Let me try to explain . . .

You know how you plan things out in your mind as a young adult? Well, I did all of that, and strangely all of it has occured. It just occured in a different manner than I thought. I planned on getting married to my soul mate, having children, and having that fabulous job/ministry. I got all of that, but it did not occur the way that I thought. I got married to someone I thought I loved, but in actuality I loved who I thought the person was. I have a precious child that cannot be replaced. I would love more children, but that requires a new soul mate. I love my job, but it is not the direction that I believed that I was supposed to do.

Now, things are changing, yet again. Still looking for that new soul mate, although there is the dark horse that I cannot get out of my head. I would like more children, but I refuse to do all of that alone. A new scenario has popped up into the equation regarding that perfect job. I believe, wholeheartedly, that my life's work is to be a missionary. I get to do this everyday as a teacher, but now I have an opportunity to be a principal. Add to that, the exhaustion of everyday life as a singleton.

But really, my life is "just a walk in the park". I have food to eat, a place to live, a car, parents and a sibling that love me no matter what, and I have a beautiful child. As if that is not enough, I have a job, friends that support me, and I have a church family that I can count on when times get tough. To top it all off, I really do not lack for anything, other than material possessions, that are not important.

So, life is "just a walk in the park". You have to take a step back when you are feeling frustrated, confused, and overwhelmed. You may have to visit that graveyard to get yourself together, but you are just taking a break from the park scene to be the you that you are supposed to be.

Trouble in River City

"The idle brain is the devil's playground . . ." As I have come to find out today, there are a lot of things that tend to distract me. Television is a waste of time. I am not sleeping at night due to the fact that I am not in my structured environment. When my brain is not occupied, I tend to dwell on the realities of this world.

The realities are also a waste of time. I just need to be happy where I am. I need to occupy my time, and not constantly waste time dwelling and thinking.

I wish that I could convince my subconscious of this concept.

I See the Light

Clarity, clarity, clarity . . . I love it when clarity is revealed to you in just a moment of concidence (ahem, from God). Everything falls into place in time (God's time). God does have a sense of humor. He allows us realize what we want, when it is right according to His Will.

Read the lyrics to this lovely Disney song from the movie, "Tangled". It sums up my clarity that I am feeling today.

All those days watching in the windows
All those years outside looking in
All that time never even knowing
Just how blind I've been
Now I'm here blinking in the starlight
Now I'm here suddenly I see
Standing here it's all so clear
I'm where I'm meant to be

And at last I see the light
And it's like the fog has lifted
And at last I see the light
And it's like the sky is new
And it's warm and real and bright
And the world has somehow shifted
All at once everything looks different
Now that I see you

Eugene(Flynn)
All those days chasing down a daydream
All those years living in the blur
All that time never truly seeing
Things, the way they were
Now she's here shining in the starlight
Now she's here suddenly I know
If she's here it's crystal clear
I'm where I'm meant to go

Eugene(Flynn)and Repunzel
And at last I see the light
And it's like the fog has lifted
And at last I see the light
And it's like the sky is new
And it's warm and real and bright
And the world has somehow shifted
All at once everything looks different
Now that I see you

I hope that some clarity is revealed to you today! Take time to think, meditate, and re-evaluate.

Diddy - Dirty Money - Coming Home ft. Skylar Grey

"Getting back to the place I belong . . ." I know that life is hard. It is not fun. It is like living in perpetual high school. It is bad enough that I work in a high school every day, but my life is still like that. I want to get back to that simpleness of life.

The simple life . . . Knowing that your significant other loves you and you love him, you have children, and sure there are issues, but that does not involve cheating or lying. I know that it can exist.

Some times, I feel that I deserve that and some times I feel that I do not. When I really look at myself, I realize that I am just as guilty as any sinner. I realized that I married my best friend, and that was a right decision. What was not right, was the fact that I realized 13 years too late that I cared for another friend when it was too late.

When I look at my life, I wish that I could change a few things, but I would not be the person that I am today if I had changed anything. Maybe one day, things will be simple again. I know that it is possible if I am being real. I have been real with my old friend, but the pain must be too much, or maybe the truth was stretched.

All I know is that I want to come home again to a family instead of staring at walls of emptiness.

Neon Trees - Animal (Viral Version)

This song has been in my head for awhile now, amongst other things. I have been debating my feelings and thoughts for some time now. Apparently, I have been having a war within myself and my feelings toward another person.

I have finally realized that no matter whether or not a person truly likes me or not; it will be right when it is right. I know that there is a person out there who will like me for who I am, and he will make his intentions known clearly.

I am done with the second guessing of my life. Like the song states, "Uh oh, what are you waiting for, say goodbye to my heart tonight" . . . I am waiting until I know that the person is the right person. No more guessing games, no more confusion, and no more wondering . . . If the person is meant to be with me, then we will know it.

Timing is not always fun, but maybe the timing will be right one day. If not, so be it.

Second Chances . . .

Just when you think you figured out what you are called to do . . . Wham!! Things come to a quick change of heart, and this is what happened this morning at church. We had some special guests today, and I have known and loved these friends for years.

For the last 5 years, I have given up something that I loved, the love of music! I used to sing all of the time at church. I sang in groups, solos, and in the praise band for years. I so loved doing this for God. This morning, my friends (who no longer live here) came to our church and sang. It just reminded me of the love that I have for music and singing. Then, I felt convicted. I knew instantly that God was showing me what I have been missing the last 5 years.

Then, our pastor began to talk about Jonah. He spoke about Jonah's running from God, and how God does not want to discipline us. Sometimes, though, God has to punish us to bring us back to where He is. WE also get in the way too many times. Then, he stated that, "God wants to fulfill the work He started in us".

God gives us second chances, like in the video. We just must take that step into trusting and believing Him. God is showing me His ways, but I must make that first step. Hmm . . . Decisions to move or not. I think that I will begin with some baby steps.

B.o.B - Airplanes (Feat. Hayley Williams of Paramore)

This song is my anthem right now, "Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shootin stars, I could really use a wish right now, a wish right now, a wish right now" (Airplanes). The song continues with B.O.B. saying, "I could use a dream or a genie or a wish to go back to a place much simpler than this . . ." (Airplanes).

I feel this way today. I have just left the hospital after a day and a half of the unnormal for me. If you know me, you know that I hate hospitals, funeral homes, and death . . . Anyway, my grandmother, who is 88 years old, is in the hospital. She suffers from dementia. I sat there today and listened to her talk normally and nonsense for some hours. Her walking is not stable as well. I wish I could go back and freeze time before this life altering disease that takes the mind and distorts it.

As I was leaving the hospital, I ran into one of our students. Her mother is there in the hospital, which made me very sad. This student is dealing with a major ordeal with this incident, and she needs our prayers. I wish I could go back and freeze time for her. I told her to friend me on FB, even though I do not friend students. I told her that she could contact me anytime, day or night to talk.

The truth is ugly. We cannot stop, rewind, and freeze time. Wishes do not come true, no thanks to Disney. There is only one that can make things bearable, and that is God. God can wishes come true, and He can make things simpler for us. I will continually to pray for my family in dealing with this horrible disease of my Grandmother's, as well as for our students that we may or may not know the situations that they are dealing with.

Pray for guidance and wisdom as we all deal with the hardships of life.

JCD

Trading My Sorrows - Darrell Evans

"I am pressed, but not crushed, persecuted, not abandoned . . . I am blessed beyond the curse for His promise will endure, and His joy's going to be my strength . . . I'm trading my sorrows, I'm trading my shame, I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord . . "

I had an epiphany today. I realized that I am not joyful, and the only person to blame is myself. I have been in a funk because I am tired of being alone. I keep being tempted to end this loneliness by jumping into a relationship that may or may not be a good thing. The truth is this uncertainty might be from God. Maybe God is trying to tell me to trust Him, give it all to Him, and then He will give me what I need in His time.

I have this timeline in my head. I love my one child that I have. I cannot imagine my life without her. I keep telling myself that I want more children. I truly believe that this more children bit is just to remind me that I want to get married again one day, and my clock is just ticking away. What if God has given me all of the children that I am meant to have? What if I am just so lonely, that my girl imagination is just running wild?

Here is the realization . . . I need to give all of these feelings of loneliness, more children, and sorrow to God. He is the only one that can meet all of these needs. If it is His will, then He will provide when He sees fit. If it is not His will, then I can rejoice through how He has blessed me.

Enjoy Darrell Evans' "Trading My Sorrows"

Love and Peace~ Jessie

Waiting or Just Do It . . .

I mentioned a month or so ago, that I was taking a class entitled "Mission Shift" at my church. It is designed by Chadwick Tucker, as a part of his doctorate studies for seminar. Anyway, he began the study about 3-4 weeks ago by showing us this video. Now, I told you that I was looking forward to how God would be showing me his plan for missions. I had no idea that things would progress to the point they are now.

If you are unaware, I have felt the call to be a missionary since I was a young girl. I had some events happen in my life that caused me to forget this call, temporarily. Once I got back on track with God, I wanted to pursue this calling. I kept making excuses for not going the mission route due to being a single parent. I kept,"Waiting for the World to Change".

Back to the class that I am taking. Mission Shift has allowed me to see that I do not have to relocate, change careers, or be something that I am not in order to be that missionary. Then, I was approached about getting an add-on license by my assistant principal. I discussed this with my principal, and he also encouraged me to do this. I have felt uneasy about this major life changing part of my career. It would be more work, less time with my daughter, but I would be able to provide more for her.

I felt uneasy for a few weeks about it, until tonight. I had asked my life long friend about this, and he simply said this to me . . . "Stop thinking. Just do it". In the Mission Shift class tonight, Chad stated that in order for us to live as though we were sent, we must see as Jesus saw. In other words, we must focus on others. How can I help people today? Then, it clicked . . .

I have been given this opportunity to change my life/job, but it is not for the betterment of myself. It is for the helping of others . . . Helping them to be the best, student, citizen, and person that they can be. I need to seek opportunities to make differences in the lives of others.

I am a missionary to the people that I interact with now, but I can do so much more after I stop waiting for the world to change, and just do it.

Trading My Sorrows - Darrell Evans

I was sitting in Bible Study tonight, and I was reflecting on what was being said about "Walking with God". A few things stuck out in my mind.

God may oppose situations unbeknownest to us . . . Hmm . . . That really struck a chord in me. I was thinking about how I have had opportunities that seemed perfect at the time, but I chalked it up to be not the right time. God may have opposed that situation for it would be a distraction on His path for me. The scripture reference was 2 Corinthians 4:8 - "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed" (TNIV, 2005). Obviously, Darryl Evans knew what he was doing when he wrote this song, "Trading My Sorrows". It is sprung from the scriptures, as most songs of praise are written. Listen to the words in the video posted above.

No matter what the situation, God is still there with opened arms, waiting. He is waiting for us to continue that journey towards the ultimate prize. Listen to God. Give Him all of your problems and sorrows. He is the only one that can handle it.

New Year, New Everything . . .

It's 2011 . . .

I have a plethora of thoughts going through my head currently about this new year. It is unbelievable what God can allow you to dream up when something new comes around. So, 2011 . . . I am looking forward to a year of priceless memories and learning more through the study of Isaiah with God and His Word.

I want to continue my journey to self discovery with missions. I am not sure about where God wants me to be regarding this life, but currently I still get to touch 1200children during the week. That is a ministry right now. I will be taking a class at my church entitled Mission Shift. I am hoping that I can learn more about where and how God is leading me in missions and service to Him.

At the end of 2010, I saw some remarkable signs or instances that made me realize that I am on the correct path for my life. It may sound strange, but I do not believe in coincidences. I believe that God puts people, things, and even unexplained messages into our lives. December was a month full of God and His glory, not only because we celebrated His birth, but because of some instances.

I was reminded this year about a tattoo that my grandfather had on his arm. I know you are thinking, "What does a tattoo have to do with a sign from God"? Keep reading . . . I always thought that my grandfather's tattoo was a dog, but my dad told me that it was a bluebird. I was extremely close to my grandfather (We called him Papa). I did some research on this bluebird, and military men would get these tattoos when they went a certain amount of miles overseas. My Papa served in the Philippines. Anyway, my Bible study leader gave us a gift at one of our fellowships. It was this angel with an object or thing in it's hands. Needless to say, I got an angel with a bird in it's hands. I know that I received that angel from my Bible study leader (who does not know about the bluebird connection), but I know that God wanted me to receive that angel to remind me to live my life to make God and my Papa proud.

About two weeks ago, my world was turned upside down with the confirmation news that my ex-husband and his wife are expecting. I really had moments of anger and jealousy due to the fact that I am still alone, as far as a helpmate. That evening, I posted a response something like, "I really need a miracle". I was not referring to anything in particular, I just wanted to feel good about myself. My sister sent me a message the next day. She wanted to know who sent me the message, "What if the miracle has already happened"? I asked her what she was talking about. I had not received any messages. On her phone, she could read that someone sent me that message. I never received the message on my phone, but God knew that I needed to hear that, where ever the source came from.

So, 2011 . . . I am ready to see, serve, and succumb to God and His plan for my life. I am ready to fly like the bluebirds, even if I have to relocate. Therefore, my background has changed to some birds. The birds remind me to relax, place things in God's Hands, and fly away/clear my mind when needed.